It's been a while since I blogged about myself and my personal 'journey' with Breast Cancer. I'll admit I'm struggling with it more than usual recently. Still? Yes, still. 

This past Thursday, was my youngest daughter Lotte's 17th birthday. Many years I have had the honour of being the proudest mum to both my girls. Watching them grow to adulthood, was something I genuinely thought I wouldn't have the chance to experience. Would I even make it to an age that they would remember me? I'm so incredibly lucky and grateful... of course I am. 

I was diagnosed with Grade 3 advanced aggressive Breast Cancer (with lymph nodes) when she was just 7 months old. I was breast feeding and felt this small pea sized lump in my right breast. It could so easily have been nothing. But I took her along to see the consultant for the results of my biopsy on that fateful Wednesday surprised when he asked that I'd come alone... but of course I wasn't alone I joked, the baby was with me. 

Lotte's first birthday was the day I had my second round of chemotherapy and had started to lose my hair. I was very ill with chemo and I still feel the after effects to this day. My hair loss became a significant life moment inspiring Bold Beanies... which has, in turn, also become a significant part of my life.

But I'm struggling. Finding it hard to still be involved in this world of cancer. Constantly reminded of re-occourrance. I've lost many friends over the years and have friends living with secondaries. I'm continually amazed by the strength of other people.

Everyones experience of this cruel disease if different. Everyone's path to diagnosis is different. Everyones support system is different. Everyone's ability to move on is different. For example, I have never been given the 'All Clear'. I never 'Rang the Bell'. I was told to stay vigilant.

I'm sharing this because maybe it resonates with just one other person and they feel less alone. To know they are understood if they say they feel like they live on borrowed time. When is it my turn again? Am I making the most of every day? Every year? That irrational, rational fear in your head that whispers 'is this it, this time?'

Breast Cancer Awareness Month / October is therefore hard for me. I plead with you all to actually check your breasts once a month, don't just read about it and wear a pink ribbon. If you've had mastectomies, you still need to check (note to self)! My cancer was so aggressive I wouldn't be here today had it not been found early and taken seriously.

I also ask that people be kind and understanding that maybe when you're asking "...but you're ok now?" it's hard to answer. That irrational 5% thought that it could come back is always niggling no matter how positive you are. When I was diagnosed with PTSD I wasn't surprised, but I did expect it to get better. I fear it gets worse with every passing year. I'm finally in a space where I can start to deal with my PTSD and I hope can start to believe in plans for the future. 

I would still see my Breast Cancer has a gift as well as a curse in my life (as one of the lucky ones allowed to survive). It's shaped me and given me priorities I'm proud of and I learnt to be strong. Whatever your experience with Cancer, I wish you peace and kindness, Emilienne xx

Bold Beanies is a small business by my choice and I care about the people and the products. Award winning quality, beautifully designed, stylish, soft, comfy and easy cotton headwear for all. The range has grown from the original Bold Beanies hat to other quality chemotherapy hair loss products including headscarves, head wraps, PICC port sleeves, gorgeous cancer gifts beany posies and bouquets, my book HOPE, bandanas, eco face masks and sleep caps. I love the iconic Liberty prints, the fun prints and offering a rainbow of plain colours. Making a difficult time just a bit better. Sustainable fashion made with care on the borders of Wales and England.

#boldbeanies #breastcancerawareness #cancersurvivor #chemohat #cancerhat #emiliennerebel #breastcancer #checkyourbreasts #ptsd #lifeaftercancer #chemotherapy #mastectomy #piccline #bekind

Olivia was 3 years old and Lotte just 7 months old (still being breastfed) that fateful Wednesday twelve years ago when I was told I had cancer. My 'Cancer Journey' is very much linked to my children and being a mum 

Joking with the Breast Surgeon that I hadn't come to my appointment to get the results of the previous week's biopsy on my own... I had the baby with me! I had found the pea-sized hard lump under the skin whilst breast feeding and knew this wasn't 'my normal'... but still I wasn't really worried. I had no family history, I was not overweight, I'd never smoked, drank little, vegetarian and breast fed both my babies... couldn't be anything right? Wrong.

Investigations, lumpectomy and lymph node removal and various scans proved the cancer was aggressive... I had Grade 3 advanced Breast Cancer. Without intensive and immediate action my life was in danger and I wouldn't get to be a part of my children's lives; I wouldn't get to be their mummy. The worst thought for me personally was that they were too young to remember me. 

I had to do everything I could to ensure every year possible... to get to an age where they would remember me... feel my love for them and know how precious they were to me. I repeat, my cancer journey' is very much linked to my children.  

Twelve years ago this weekend just gone Lotte had her 1st birthday and whilst I was too ill to arrange a party for her we started our new tradition of 'Birthday Breakfast' and I vowed to make every other birthday very memorable for them.

I had my second chemotherapy infusion on that day at home. My hair had already started to fall and I'd shaved it in preparation. Quite a traumatic experience and I with hindsight urge any woman needing to shave her head to entrust this to someone they trust and is very sympathetic, whomever that may be (which may not be the obvious choice).

Losing my hair with Chemo whilst it was difficult to deal with at the time with my young family. I looked very ill. I lost the hair on my head and all over, including my eyebrows and eyelashes and combined with the bloating from the steroids, I looked very different.

My hair loss however set me on a path to start my business Bold Beanies and make a range of cancer alopecia headwear and gifts to make a terrible situation a little bit more bearable. I designed them with younger cancer patients in mind with an emphasis on style as well and for comfort and ease. 

I was unable to lift my arms for long after my mastectomy and lymph node removal and therefore tying traditional headscarves was too difficult for me. I needed something soft and simple to slip on and get on looking after my children. I also felt incredibly cold at night. The wooly beanie hat I wore was itchy and often got too hot, so I would take it off and then I would get cold quickly. My chemo headwear needed to be made from thin natural cotton material, soft, stretchy, breathable and temperature controlling. Its so much easier to face the side effects of cancer when you're able to get a good nights sleep. 

Having received a lot of flowers by post from well meaning friends and family, I also felt it very important to provide gift solutions for cancer patients, helping those around them feel less helpless. 

With every year that passes I gain strength in the bond I have with my girls. I teach them, I guide them to grow into confident young women who very much know they are loved whether I am with them or not.

Whilst I continue to battle with making my life count, battling the feelings of borrowed time, a bucket list of dreams and the normalities of being a single parent with a growing business and people in my life who are determined to make it harder than it needs to be... I hope that others who are at the start of their story with cancer that they get some comfort from my 12 years... sharing the positive stories is so important. I'm still here and enjoy every day with my children and look forward to the exciting times in their lives that I get to be a part of.