Oncologist Visit, Tamoxifen & Hormones.

If you have ever had a cancer diagnosis, it's all consuming. A relentless round of hospital visits, doctors appointments and potential surgeries, chemotherapy, radiotherapy, scans... but always a rollercoaster of emotions and anxiety for you and your loved ones. For a time in your life it dictates everything.

And then, if you are lucky enough you come through the other side, life somehow eventually needs to return to 'normal'. You need to get on with everyday life, prepare for events, take care of loved ones and pay those bills... and try as best you can to remember the lessons learned and live the best life possible. 

I personally suffered PTSD (Post traumatic Stress Disorder) and it was only after everything had subsided that I realised my illness; what I had been through and how others had dealt with it. I have since then constantly lived with the feeling that i'm on borrowed time.

Today I'm going to see my oncologist who I haven't seen for a long time. I have found a lump; a lump which is in all probability nothing serious, but I'm worried. The not knowing is crippling. Is this the end to my borrowed time? And suddenly just like that i'm back in that world. I place I never wanted to visit again, but my journey stops there every now and then when I least expect it and I simply don't want to be here.

One year after my ten year stint on Tamoxifen, are the side effects are still hanging around? Returning? Acne around the jawline is a sign of hormonal imbalance. The headaches and a couple of nasty migraines are back, and I'm tired again... but yes, I'm busier than ever, so is this any surprise. As my initial cancer diagnosis was linked to my hormones (and my recent pregnancy?) is this all a sign that I'm at risk again. So therefore the sudden appearance of this lump has me in a bit of a panic. 

So even though our rational thought is usually set to 100%, sometimes it slips down to 95% and we submit to those fears and the irrational 5% because well we've been there before. I think it's normal. I need to be allowed to deal with the fear.