Breast Cancer Awareness Month...

... and what it means to me. 

I'm really struggling with 'Pink October' this year.

My youngest daughter's birthday is the fifth October and it marks a significant point in my life. Firstly, in this month I gave birth to my second beautiful baby girl... all I ever wanted, was to be a mum. I loved every minute of this pregnancy and Lotte was just a dream. My eldest daughter, Olivia, then had just turned three and was just so funny and full of life. The following year, on Lotte's first birthday I had my second dose of chemotherapy following a gruelling five months of surgeries, scans and days spent in hospitals rather than being with my girls. Chemotherapy was my tipping point... I longed for the carefree days of making fresh organic baby foods and playing with my 'big' girl.

I feel so bad still that Lotte didn't get a first birthday party... that I was too ill to take in her first words and video all those exciting moments. It still makes me cry and I don't think I will ever get over it. I am trying to forgive myself however, to cope with my PTSD finally. I wasn't the only one there after all. 

So, October is hard for me. Remembering the fear that I may not live to see them grow. Remembering the fear that they would not remember me. I want to be supportive and strong for everyone dealing with any type of cancer... to share and be a part of all the campaigns, but I'm paralysed. This year is too much for me and I just want to forget about Breast Cancer. Too many friends being diagnosed, some for the second time and living with terminal mets diagnoses. Far too many friends lost along my journey. Im tired of Cancer. I'm tired of the fear that I'm living on borrowed time. How much extra time do I get? Am I just living in fear or am I living?

So this year I just say, please please check your breasts, book that doctors appointment or go for a walk and talk to your friends... but most of all be kind... to yourself as well as to others. 

These are just my personal thoughts and not intended to offend, hurt or annoy anyone else. Sometimes you can't 'just get over it'. Sometimes life isn't all pink. Bring on Christmas... Emilienne x